Glo Knows... Women
In last month’s column, Glo opined about men. as promised, this month’s column is all about women.
Before I get started, make no mistake: I am proud to be a woman and very proud of women — proud of our beauty, tenacity, strength, imperfections, courage, bitchiness, assertiveness, and tenderness. We have given birth to nations, yet in many nations, we have no real power. As a consequence, we have had to learn how to survive in a world where men make most of the rules. For the record, I am not anti-man. I treasure them. However, I am pro-woman. And with that, here goes ... Ladies, hold on to your hats; I’m about to reveal some company secrets!
Some married women are just as promiscuous as some married men. Honey Hush! You read it right ... and close your mouth before a fly lands on your tongue. I also believe, when you compare sexes, women are more adept at hiding their infidelity. The reason is simply survival. When a woman is caught being unfaithful, society treats her much more harshly than it does a man. I know not all married women cheat. But from day one, girls are taught to keep their dresses down and their thongs up. (Sidebar: Did you know they make thongs for little girls now? Where does the madness stop?) Yet boys get the message early that the more conquests they make, the more manly they are thought to be. And for some men, that attitude continues post-nuptials. Even though all men don’t cheat, it seems as though women subconsciously, and reluctantly, expect them to be unfaithful.
Have you ever heard the expression, “Momma’s baby. Poppa’s ... maybe”? I heard it for the first time as a child. I would eavesdrop on my grandmother and aunts talking with my mother about who was doing what to whom. At the time, I didn’t understand it, but I knew it was something sinister by the way the ladies would smirk and roll their eyes when they said it. I came to understand the saying to mean that when a man messes around with another woman, he can make a mess of his life and the lives of those around him and still be an accepted member of society. But a woman doesn’t have the luxury of a do-over in the infidelity department. So she would do the “do” and be back home in time to cook dinner with the indiscretion never finding the light of day. But if she became pregnant as a result of her mid-afternoon sleepover, momma’s baby. Poppa’s ... maybe!
As for women who stay with unfaithful men, I don’t think they’re weak. I think it takes a very strong woman to forgive and move forward with a man who has cheated. I also don’t think women who choose to leave are weak. It just means they have had enough. Both options take courage. Some women are very accomplished and educated; they could easily find another suitor. Getting another snuggle bunny isn’t the issue. The issue is how much has been invested in the marriage and how many lives would be altered as a result of the breakup. Women tend to look at their children and think, should I hurt them the way their father has hurt me, or should I suffer this hurt for the good of the family?
I’m not saying stay at all costs. I’m just stating some of the reasons why women choose to stay. However, I do feel compelled to take this opportunity to offer some help. Here’s a clue that you might want to “Plan B” your man: If you find out your husband’s girlfriend finds out he has another girlfriend, you might want to beat your feet to the nearest divorce attorney.
It’s been said that some men who haven’t cheated live vicariously through those who have, and some women who haven’t cheated view women who have as untrustworthy or even as a threat. (Remember the lesson about the thong in the second paragraph.) As I said last month, marriage is an investment. Every woman’s risk tolerance is different. Some women are very risk adverse. They can’t even fathom the thought of their husband being with someone else, let alone one of their girlfriends. Other women offer up their husbands like a Sunday roaster! Some women look at the return on their investment and deduce the sacrifice was worth it. Others say life is too short and kick big daddy to the curb.
If you think the rules have changed, think about this. When an older man marries a much younger woman, he’s called ... a man, even congratulated for robbing the cradle. But when an older woman marries a younger man, she is called a cougar. She is also asked questions like “what are you going to do if he wants kids?” that are never (or rarely) asked of a man.
To my cougar sisters, more power to you! But the same rules apply: If the guy you have in your sights is single, people will talk about you, so give them something to talk about. Go for it, honey! If the guy you have in your sights is married, people will talk about you like a dog. If you bruise easily, stay away from this option. However, don’t let my words deter you. Purr if you must; just be prepared for another cat to come out swinging.
Finally, it’s important that you understand I am not condoning infidelity, nor am I judging those who have been unfaithful. I am merely shining a light on the differences. If there is one thing I know for sure, matters of the heart are the most complicated of all. A really powerful acquaintance once told me, “Glo, whether you are married or single, don’t ever mess with someone who doesn’t have as much to lose as you do.” I find that statement to be as true as it is strategic. But very rarely do strategy and sex wind up on the same bar stool.
Denver Magazine
Issue: October 2009